“I Might Just Throw Up”

If I had a standup special or wrote a book it would be called “I Might Just Throw Up.”

Trigger warning: Throwing Up, Choking, Domestic Violence, Anxiety Attacks, Panic Attacks.

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As a kid, I had extremely horrible social anxiety and constantly felt I was about to throw up. Most of the time it remained an obsessive fear in my head, and I usually didn’t actually throw up - except on my first (ever) date in 9th grade, on the bus. To his credit, he helped me clean it up and said, “My brother throws up all the time,” and we then continued on the date for several more hours and proceeded to watch Date Movie, in which characters throw up.

Deep breath.

I now see my persistent and overwhelming fear of throwing up (and the very real physical sensations that went along with it) as a symptom of Autistic burnout, Complex PTSD and obsessive thinking. I grew up in domestic violence around people experiencing a lot of trauma and emotional dysregulation, and I was overwhelmed by it for most of my life. This meant having frequent anxiety and panic attacks as a kid that manifested as my feeling like I was choking or about to throw up, though no one would take me seriously. It was the most painful experience of my life, and it lasted for 2 decades. While medication and therapy and life coaching and falling in love and finally being able to control my environment have made me feel more safe in the world, and I rarely get the feeling that I am going to throw up anymore, it was the most painful experience of my life, and I still think this would make a good standup special or book title. Because then regardless of what happens onstage, I’m covered. The audience knows what to expect.