my new years 2021 intentions process

Personal context: Life is terrifying. My default emotion is fear. I begrudgingly accept that not everyone works this way, but it also means accepting it in myself. call it trauma, lived experience, a mental disorder…my brain jumps to the next scary thought, continuously, on repeat. And when i’m happy, the thoughts come in “Oh no i’m too happy this feels foreign why don’t i feel it more? why didn't i do this earlier? how am i going to cope when this feeling goes away?” and make the good feelings hazy.

So, this new year’s (2021), i didn't want to make resolutions. i know many reasons why it’s good to have a plan and i also respect the part of me that is freaking out about how much CONSTANT UNCERTAINTY i’ve experienced lately. Almost as if nothing is under my control. And it’s hard to fathom setting a goal when i don’t even know what all the different parts of me want because i haven’t had space to slow them down enough that i can listen.

Now that New Year’s has passed, it feels safe to share what i was able to write down:

What do i know will happen in 2021 regardless of my actions?

-Time will keep passing

-I will need money, food, energy, time in nature, sleep

-Transitions will suck

-Structural violence will continue

-Joy and happiness and play will continue

What feels overwhelming now but i could build towards addressing?

-Email as self care workshop

-Making space for your New diagnosis in your life workshop - understanding how you work

-Valuing vulnerable friendships

-Planning a safe getaway w my partner

-Improve my ability to hold myself in times of uncertainty and plan for the future

What do i want to take with me from 2020?

-Ability to survive isolation pandemic conditions that remind me of childhood

-Belief in restorative powers of rest and TV

-Pride at living with a partner for the first time in my life and navigating the struggles

-Unemployment money from government (though I also need more)

What do i want for 2021?

-Keep more organized notes on media i take in (journals to accommodate MY tv watching style)

-Play with and support my 5 nieces and nephews

-Collaborate with my partner and people i like in creative ways

-Continue to unlearn internalized ableism and help other Neurodivergent people accept themselves

*Plan my year NOT around money goals, but around what i want to do with my time